Talking through animals

This really drives me crazy.

Okay so as everyone knows I've got two cats. One is Roy, he is a guy, very smart, but very shy. The other is Samus, she is a girl, a complete idiot, and not shy. (and no, my cat's aren't named Mister Boots or Mittens or Spots or Shadow or other complete savagery of naming. What the crap? If you had a giant birthmark on your face surrounding your eye, would you think your parents cool for naming you Spot? Why is this acceptable? How is okay to name our cats and dogs completely terrible names? Is it because we can't name our children Ace and Deuce, so we name our dogs that? Bah.)

So I had to bring Roy to the vet, and he hates it. Roy is a total house cat; he hides when company shows up and doesn't like change. So slapping him inside a box and driving 25 min to the vet to sit in a strange smelling place with nowhere to hide is pretty much exactly everything he doesn't enjoy wrapped into one.

So this is just a yearly checkup, he is only 4, and I'm waiting in the little room and the vet assistant comes in. She is clearly slightly crazy. I've a gift for reading people, and this woman has "the crazy eyes". Standard questions happen, nothing is wrong, he is a little fat, you are concerned, I don't care.

(Seriously, I've two cats, they eat the same amount of food. One is 13 lbs, the other is 8. Every time I go to the vet they tell me one cat is too fat, the other a bit too skinny. Well clearly I can see that with my own two eyes. They are my cats, I live with them, I can tell one is fatter than the other thank you very much. I feed them the same amount of food out of auto-dispenser. Just one is fatter. Has been for four years running now. No gain, no loss, just weighs more than my other cat. Why is this such a massive concern? How can a human being, someone that walks and talks with other different humans, not apply that knowledge to animals? If two people eat the same thing all the time, are they going to be the same size? Of course not, everyone is different. Why am I paying you to tell me that my cats are different!? I live with them, you pompous college drop out! I'm here to learn if my cat is going to live another year, not that he is different than my other cat.)

Ahem.

So now comes the time when the vet comes in and she clearly also has the crazy eyes. It is like that is a requirement for working at the vet. She has to pick up Roy, and squeeze his innards and check his eyes and all that crap. So she comes over, and Roy is shivering, curled in a ball, trying to hide under my feet. But Roy is larger than a football and I am all of five seven so there is a lot more Roy than my legs, and he knows it.

Aw, says the vet, he's saying I'm scared. (Okay, sure, whatever). High Pitch Nasal Voice: I just want to go home. This place is scary. Why'd you bring me here, Dad? (she kept talking but I couldn't pay any more attention)

Two things. One, the cat isn't saying that. It's a cat. He wasn't even meowing at the time, he was trying to get away from your ugly face and irritating voice. He has no idea who you are and you are trying to take him away from me. If anything my cat is thinking "whats that smell whats that smell what is that dont move stay hidden whats that smell whats that smell what is that I'm being picked up this hurts dont bite get hit dont bite get hit".

Two, I am not the cat's father. You must think me some sort of wizard if you think I knocked up my wife and that thing popped out. Or do you think I knocked up a cat? Do we look alike? Roy is black with white spots and has a tail. Do you see that on me? Shouldn't you be going to the doctor now? I think you've some issues with your vision.

It drives me crazy that there are these pet owners that dress up their animals and call them baby and refer to themselves as the pet's parent. Then when a normal person like me shows up, for some reason I'm not the normal one.

I just got my wife's oil changed at our local dealership. Great guys, my wife makes them cookies, they cut me deals, it's a win/win situation. Now what if, after waiting in their little lobby, Rick (the head repair guy) came out and was like, hey Scion, your kid is sick. Little bugger says I've an owie in my post cat O2 sensor. I'm going to have to replace it so he can go back to running around with the other Sebrings.

I'd slap the crap out of him. Firstly because who cares about a post cat O2 sensor, but then for the whole referring to something that isn't my kid as my kid. But when my vet does that, I have to smile and nod.

Know why? Crazy Eyes. That lady could come through that door and call me Mister Roy and my cat Scion the whole time and I'd smile and nod.

Scion

I must say, I loved and agreed with everything said. I have a mix breed dog (mut). It's got golden retriever, chow, as well as some labrador. It does know most commands, and is a pretty smart dog. However, it still puzzles me when I take him to the vet and the "Pet Nurses" speak baby talk to him... Than they continue to tell me that he is too skinny, and I need to feed him more. I also have one of those auto-dispensers, and it's FULL all the time. We have to keep the dog locked up in the house cause it gets too cold in the Winter, so when we let him out in the Summer all he ever does is run around. Chases raccoons, bunnies, squirrels, sometimes his own tail. He just gets a lot of exercise.

I also use to have 2 fat cats. Now let me state this, I don't have a problem with people who have a weight problem. However, I have a problem with people who have a weight problem than turn around and tell me I need to stop feeding my cats cause their too fat. I ended up giving my cats away to a family member because I grew tired of the Vet visits.

p.s. The dressing your dog up in clothes is still over my head. I don't see how it's cute.. I have to wear clothes all day and I can't wait to get out of them. I envy dogs, they get to run around naked all day.

I think you guys need new vets...Mine NEVER calls me a mommy unless I have my kids around. lol And last I checked, she didn't have crazy eyes....>.<

And Scion...my dog's name is Shadow..cuz some kid named him before I got him..otherwise his name would have been Max..My daughter named my cat Katie. I think she liked the sound of Katie Cat..not really sure.. >.>

By the way, I love reading your little stories here. I sit the family down and it's story time. (sarcasm ) But really, I do love reading them. You crack me up with your...well..storytelling? lol

My Gosh....when I read this story...i could see Scion grimacing while the vet was checking out the cats and this crazy Vet who could look very well like a monster with fangs eyes that could kill, the poor kitty hovering between Sion's legs with her paws saying pick me up! No wonder Nicolette *takes the popcorn* when she reads this stuff! Your a born story teller! Where have I been the last few months *sulks for being too busy*

Well as far as my doggies are concerned I have no "Spot", even though I have dogs with Spots or any dog with such "cutsie" names? Although Gunter loves to name dogs based on personalities, I would rather just give them these stupid AKC names that have no rhyme and are dull..Although I do have a Maxtor and Maxine. Why the same names? Well "Max" left for a bit with my X and I missed him so, so I called my next dog "Maxine". Poor dogs...once they were together, I just confused them by calling them the same names. Couldnt see myself calling Maxine her long AKC name Gourley's Maximum Bet. Why would a breeder even give a dog that name! Now how stupid is that. Go to a card table with a flush or straight and say...gee I am going to put in the pot...all these chips and my dog. My other dogs name is Alar Brittanys Skye Dancer, although she has this butt that waves back and forth when her tail moves...so now she is known as Fannie Dancer...lol
Then there is Shoenhund Gourleys Sassyfrass Lass...Okay...it cant get any longer than that...aka Sassy. I didnt want to resort to "cutsie" names but if someone gave me a name that I couldnt even spell I would pretty much ignore the person when they called me...."Come here Shcoenhund Gourley Sassyfrass Lass". By the time I got all of that out...the dumb dog would be running away!

Thanks Scion for the nice "ranting". Loved it!

Lady H